For many protective parents, the courtroom doesn’t feel safe. It feels like just another place where the abuser is in control. Yet another battlefield.
Coercive controllers know how to twist the story. They push buttons, they provoke, they record, they accuse, they stay calm in public, and they control the narrative. All of it is designed to make the protective parent look unstable, aggressive, and the problem.
And in family court, this strategy often works.
The protective parent may cry, raise their voice, or shut down. These are all normal reactions to years of abuse. But the court doesn’t always see that. Judges and professionals sometimes mistake these trauma responses for “proof” that the protective parent is unstable or aggressive.
Meanwhile, the coercive controller plays the victim.
This blog explains how they do it and why terms like “mutual abuse” or “he said/she said” are often wrong and harmful. You’ll learn about DARVO, trauma reactions, and what needs to change in family court to truly protect children and survivors.
What Is DARVO and Why Is It So Effective?
DARVO is a common tactic used by abusers. It stands for:
Deny. Attack. Reverse Victim and Offender.
Here’s how it works:
- Deny: The abuser says the abuse never happened.
- Attack: They accuse the protective parent of being the real problem.
- Reverse Victim and Offender: They act like they are the victim, and that the protective parent is the abuser.
This strategy is confusing, especially in court. Judges and lawyers may not know the full story. They see a calm, collected abuser and a protective parent who looks upset or overwhelmed. The roles get reversed.
The person who caused harm looks like the calm one. The person who’s been hurt looks unstable.
DARVO works because it plays into what many people expect to see: that the calm person is telling the truth. But in coercive control cases, that’s often not true. The calm one may be rehearsed. The upset one may be reacting to years of abuse.
And if professionals don’t understand DARVO, they may fall for the lie.
The “Provoke and Record” Strategy
Coercive controllers often know exactly how to trigger a reaction, and they do it on purpose.
They might yell at the protective parent off-camera. They might whisper cruel things when no one else is around. They poke and push until the protective parent breaks down, yells, or shuts down. Then they press record.” This a phrase created by Lisa Fontes, Phd, and expert in coercive control.
What ends up in court? Not the abuse. Just the reaction.
This is the setup.
The protective parent, who has likely been calm and steady for months, finally reacts. Maybe they raise their voice. Maybe they cry. Maybe they look angry. That one moment becomes “evidence” that they’re unstable.
Meanwhile, the coercive controller plays innocent and claims they’re just trying to co-parent. They bring in the video, emails, or messages, carefully chosen to make the protective parent look unreasonable.
It’s a trap. And it works far too often.
The Danger of “Mutual Abuse” Mislabels
In family court, it’s common to hear things like, “Well, they’re both at fault.” “This seems like mutual abuse.” “It’s just a high-conflict situation.”
But these phrases are wrong and dangerous.
When one person holds the power and control, and the other is trying to survive, it’s not mutual. It’s abuse.
Protective parents are often responding to long-term harm. They may be scared, reactive, or even angry, but that doesn’t make them abusive. That makes them human.
Calling it “mutual” ignores the history, the fear, and the pattern of coercive control.
It ignores the fact that the coercive controller has often set the entire scene, and the protective parent is reacting to survive it.
Think of it like this: if you’re trapped in a den with a wolf and you try to protect yourself, that’s not mutual aggression. That’s self-defense.
When courts fail to see the difference, they punish the protective parent. And in doing so, they leave children in danger.
Why Trauma-Informed Practice in Court Matters
Protective parents are often judged by how they look or sound in court.
If they cry, they’re “too emotional.”
If they stay calm, they’re “cold.”
If they speak up, they’re “hostile.”
If they freeze, they’re “uncooperative.”
These are trauma responses, and the court often misses this.
A protective parent may have lived in survival mode for years. They’ve been threatened, gaslit, and erased. Walking into a courtroom, often facing their abuser, is not just stressful. It’s activating.
Their nervous system is doing exactly what it was trained to do – protect them.
But if the judge, GAL, or lawyer doesn’t understand trauma, they may mistake a protective parent’s reaction as instability. And that misunderstanding can shape everything, from credibility to custody decisions.
This is why professionals must learn to recognize what trauma looks like and what it doesn’t. They must understand the difference between aggression and survival. Between calm and control. Between truth and manipulation.
Without this lens, the court continues to reward abusers for being calm and punish survivors for having symptoms.
The Shift We Need
Family court needs a new lens—one that sees through performance and looks at patterns.
We can’t keep calling it “conflict” when it’s coercive control.
We can’t keep labeling survival as aggression.
We can’t let calm abusers win just because they play the part well.
The current system often rewards the one who manipulates best.
But it doesn’t have to stay this way.
Courts and professionals must learn to spot the patterns – DARVO, provoke-and-record tactics, and trauma responses that get misread as instability. They must understand the power imbalance that defines coercive control and stop framing these cases as equal fights between two flawed people.
Because they’re not.
Protective parents are showing up every day, often with very little support, trying to shield their children from harm. And they deserve to be seen for what they are: protective, not problematic.
It’s time for systems to catch up to the truth.
If you work in family court, mental health, or advocacy, this is your moment to make a real difference.
I have training that helps you to identify coercive controllers and support victims/survivors.
You can find more information about this training HERE.